Big and tall

Now that I have outed myself and you have this visual image of a morbidly obese guy trying to use a urinal, lets talk clothes.  When I was a young man I loved clothes.   I wore some of the strangest fashion back in the 80s (not to mention the permed Brady bunch hair). Now that I am middle aged, fashion is not an option for me.  Plus I think older men look silly wearing trendy clothes.  But the real reason is that nothing fits.

boy-george_80s-225x300

Wasn’t Boy George Gorgeous?

Welcome to big ‘n’ tall.   Just what does big and tall mean?  Well, I have the big part down.  It means you are fat!  If only I were taller. My son is tall, 6.5, and he needs these stores too. By and large (pun intended) the people who work and shop in these store are “biggins”. There are two versions of this non-fashion outlet. One is a fancy store with a tailor, the other is a small corner in the back of JCPenny’s. For casual clothes we also have “Casual Male” which was renamed “XL” for some unknown reason.  I would rather think of myself as casual than XL!

xl

Aside from these venues we are talking on-line or “work clothing” stores.   You see the uniform people have figured out that people are fat. To that end I have started wearing a lot of Dickie’s and Carhartt.

carhartt-square-black-logo

There is a whole other market for what I call “gang banger” clothes that come in extended sizes, but these are definitely not for me. Check out Burlington Coat Factory!

gangclothes

Be careful searching on gang banger. I got some unexpected results!

So now you know where to go if you have a biggin on your Christmas list.  But let me tell you all these clothes are a nightmare when it comes to fit.  (I know if I were fit I wouldn’t need to shop there, ha ha)

First lets look at the sizes.   Generally speaking anything above a 2X is not to be found in a regular department store, and really most stores cater to XL and below.  Dress clothes are another problem as shirts are sized by neck and shelve length. If I find a shirt in the right neck and shelve length a new problem presents itself.  The body of the shirt is a tent! If the shop has a tailor this can be correct.

circus_tent

Omar’s place!

Now let’s focus on shirts in the casual department. The truth is a 2x would fit me, except that my stomach sticks out so far the the length in front is eaten up and my belly hangs out. You have seen this on some men around town.

walmart

Don’t you love these Walmart sighting?

The first solution is to get a “Tall” or 2xlt.   This covers the belly but leaves the back like a mini skirt or something.  The second problem is that the neck is not big enough in most cases. So we jump to a 3x.  Now we are expected to be really wide and have arms that flap like wings.   I have seen women built this way, but men are not. I don’t think the people who make these clothes have models try them on or they would see their mistakes.

Okay that’s the top half, what about pants? Funny thing about pants.  I can get them in any store.  The reason is because I wear them below my waist.  If I put them at my waist they would be falling to the floor every-time I take a breath.  Suspenders are an option but I  look ridiculous in them.  So wearing pants at my waist is not an option.   Some men are big.  They have butts and legs that fill in these giant pants and hold them up.  I am not that person.  Again a good tailor (Omar possibly) could fix this, but they are expensive and hard to find.  (Plus do I really want form fitting garments?  I think not.)

So yes the true answer is to get in shape!

There is one other possibility around here.  If I were a duck hunter or in the military there are plenty of camouflage outfits to choose from! Or maybe body paint! You can hardly see this girl at all.

cecilia-paredes-wallpaper-camouflage-4

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: