Fear of losing weight

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As you know I have been struggling with my weight for several years.  I keep asking myself the same question: “ Why can’t I lose weight?”

The answer to this question seems simple enough, “You don’t exercise and you eat too much!”  But why?  I know what to do and still I don’t do it.  Is there some subconscious desire I have to be fat?  What is holding me back?

That is it!  I think I have a fear of losing weight.  Absurd sounding as it may be,  I am afraid to be thin.   Let’s break this irrational fear down and see where it goes.

On some level I like being the “big guy”.   I have a certain presence in the room.  People respect me for my size.  While I may not be  the fit athletic “big guy” it still carries some respect.   I am not afraid (as afraid) when walking around unknown territory.  People give me some space.  I feel “safe”.

There is more to this than that, I think, or it would not be so persistent.   To get to the heart of the matter I need to look at my life and when it was that I started gaining weight.   I realize that for some of you there was no start time, like my sister, you have been heavy from birth.  But for me this is not true.

The first time I got heavy was in college.   I think it was all the new found freedom.  I could eat around the clock and no one (my mother) was controlling my portions.  Freshman year I gained 60 pounds!  Buy Senior year this all changed.  I lost that 60 and more and became the thinnest I have ever been in my adult life, 145 pounds.   I did this because I wanted to do it.  More importantly, I was motivated to do it so that I could attract a partner.  The years that followed were my most sexually active.  In a word I was a slut, buy me a drink and I would do anything.

Okay,  I am sure most of you can relate to those years o f your dick leading you around and running your life.  Some may still be doing that, sad to say.  So what changed besides growing up and gaining control of that part of my life?  Fear.

Fear, came on in stages.  My first fear was AIDS.  In fact it was a driving force for controlling my sexual activity.  I found that I could curb my sexual appetite with food.   But at this point I still wasn’t ready to be fat.  I dieted and went to the gym.  I wanted to be attractive just not dead.

Stage two of my fear was drinking.  Drinking was impairing my good judgment and putting me at risk.  I latched onto a partner that couldn’t go to bars because he was arrested for a DUI.   That story has been told before.  It ended with him going to prison for arson.  I sure knew how to pick them!

Next, I found a partner who was into body building, so he didn’t drink either.  We were together for 13 years.  This was an abusive relationship.  Not so much physically as it was mentally, but that was when the weight gain started and continued until we were apart.  I was afraid of him.  When I had finally had enough I laid the trap.   I gave him freedom to do things.  I assisted him with money and my ability to turn a blind eye to what was happening.  Then I gathered all the evidence and confronted him.  I was brave.  It was hard.  Probably the hardest thing I ever did.  I let him go.  I gave up on us.  I moved on.  At this point I weight 250 pounds.  I was no longer afraid of him physically, and emotionally I was torn apart.  He coward down to me.  He begged my forgiveness.  He made empty promises.   So I made one to him as well.   We agreed that if he could get his life back together in six months we would talk.  I had a list of things he would have to accomplish.  I knew he could never do it.  But if he did that would mean something.   Sadly, he didn’t even really try.  He tried to get me to change my mind but I stood my ground.  I had some emotional healing to do.

So, alone again, I started taking care of myself.  I lost 30 pounds and started going out with friends from work.  I started on-line dating, I met the love of my life and I gained weight yet again.  Where is the fear this time?

That is my struggle.   I am afraid of being thin.  If I am honest I am afraid of being attractive.  I am afraid I will stray.  This weakness makes me sad.

How do I overcome this fear?  My current size had put a damper on all things sexual.  I am unhappy with myself and uncomfortable in the bedroom.  Basically, we have sex if I am drunk and can forget who I am long enough.  This is very sad and unfair to my partner.  But he loves me anyway.

Maybe it would be okay for me to be thin again.  Chances are at my age I won’t be attractive anyway.  I recently discovered there are people, attractive people, who like fat men!   So now I am afraid of being fat too!  What am I to do?  When some one texts me and says “let me see your belly”,  I run.  Delete, delete, block, log off, good-bye.   Hmmm, I need a drink.

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3 Responses to “Fear of losing weight”

  1. A lot of folks struggle with these things, indeed. I see a lot of women fearful to loose weight lest it wakens their sexuality; men see big = strength = good.
    I struggle with gaining weight/bulk in the gym – fearful of ‘the results’

  2. There were a number of things in your post (thanks for your candor) that resonated for me. I always think of myself as being overweight all my life but truthfully it did not happen until puberty. I’d love to say it was hormonal but the truth is it had more to do with giving myself an excuse to avoid relationships I was not ready for. Since then my weight is up and down depending on my mental state. I always chuckle when I hear diet programs tout their ability to curb hunger. Hunger is probably the least significant driver of my eating habits.

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