Self-loathing

My worst traits haunt me during this pandemic.  Alone with my thoughts I have become highly critical of everyone including myself.  I am negative by nature and 24 hours of cable news feed into that negativity.  I don’t watch but I can’t stop watching.  It’s background noise.  I switch to local news to find out how my local environment is changing too.  People on the streets are rude and self-centered.   I find myself reflecting that attitude right back at them.

The only places we can go are grocery stores and hardware stores.  I look for projects to do around the house.  Then I stuff my face and say tomorrow is soon enough.  There is more junk food in my house that one person could eat in a year.  But I am making a big dent in it for sure.  And I keep buying more.

My self-loathing takes over when I shower and look in the mirror or heaven forbid step on the scales.  I am in control and yet so out of control.  If I am going to die tomorrow what’s one more chip or cookie or slice of pizza going to hurt.  I have gained 10 pounds in 60 days.

We call family.  Sometimes we skype, but mostly just voices.  Do I really want them to see me with my hair all grown out and my stomach growing larger every hour?  Not to mention all the chins you can see in that damn phone camera.  But I give in sometimes.  It’s family, they know what I look like.  It is good to see them doing well on the other end of a video cam.

I know this sounds like a big old pity party.  I know things are getting better and I am thankful I don’t have Covid-19.  I am not being hospitalized.  But then I saw a picture of a guy who lost 50 pounds in the hospital.  Maybe getting sick wouldn’t be that bad.  Of course he lost 50 lbs. of muscle.  I would probably just die.

One Response to “Self-loathing”

  1. lots of folks including myself have similar stories. I am as overweight now as ever.

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