Archive for death

A brighter new year ahead

Posted in death, family with tags , on January 7, 2020 by jefferyrn

I have been quiet.  I think of blogging but there are so many things happening that are taking control of my life right now.  I am happy that we are starting a new year and a new decade.  I want to leave the last one behind.

 The biggest thing from 2019 was my father’s death.  The biggest thing on the upside was our 20th anniversary.  We went to Hawaii.  These two events were 5 days apart.  Our anniversary was May 5th and my father died on May 1st.  Seven months have passed and it is still unreal to me.

This year is already better.  We just came back from celebrating my great-grandson’s 1st birthday. He is so adorable.  They do this thing called a “Smash Cake”.  (We were lucky to even have a cake.)  Anyway, you get this little cake that looks similar to the actual cake and you put the kid in front of it and let them go to town.  He wasn’t really into it.  He pulled the dinosaur off and licked some frosting of his fingers and that was about it.  I have heard and seen videos of other kids making a holy mess of it all.

He is not my blood relation but I claim him anyway.  People think he looks like me.  Maybe just being there has rubbed off somehow.  Who really knows how things work?  Science is changing all the time.

Being a great-grandpa is fun.  You don’t have to do anything but play.

I could enumerated the horrors of 2019 here, but I am ready to move on.  Happy 2020 everyone.


Posted in death, family with tags , on May 4, 2019 by jefferyrn

My husband Rick wrote this post:

On Wednesday May 1st ‘2019 my father-in-law/ “dad”, passed on. He was the most honest and sincere man I have ever known.

He was kind and loving and to everyone. Not just to his family and close friends but to total strangers. He was never judgmental and accepted everyone equally with love and compassion. Jim was one of those rare men that walked the walk of his faith. His deeds and his actions spoke volumes as to his beliefs and devotion. He truly lived by the golden rule; treat others as you wish to be treated. Jim set the bar pretty high. We should all strive to live by his example.

You will always be in our hearts. I will miss you. See you on the other side. Love you Jim.

KDF8999 signs off *

Posted in death, family with tags on May 2, 2019 by jefferyrn

We have all had to respond at some time in our lives to someone’s passing. This is probably only the second time I have been on the receiving end of those responses. For the first time I am realizing how difficult it is for people to say anything that makes sense.

There are offers of support, prayers, and kind words. Some of them are a little less thought out, like how “lucky” you were to have that person. I am not feeling lucky, that is for sure.

There is a cloud that hangs over me. I am functioning the same as I did the day before. The world seems unremarkably different. And yet there is a sharp pain in my soul. Something is missing that I may not have fully appreciated before it was gone.

My father is dead.

*If you are puzzled by the title, that was his radio handle. For some reason it in fixed in my mind.

Remember me?

Posted in death, family with tags , on December 6, 2018 by jefferyrn

In recent days the thought of death and funerals had been pervasive. President Bush’s funeral has been monopolizing the air waves, and rightly so. It has also got me thinking about my own mortality. First of all I thought Bush’s son did an excellent job eulogizing his father. But then I think who will write my eulogy? Have I made a difference? Will anyone remember me?

My family will most likely all be dead before me as I am the youngest and have no children of my own. My nephew may out live me, but I have not been a part of his life since he was 10 years old and we still all lived in the same city. I have a stepson and two granddaughters, but will they remember me? Rick is 11 years older than me. He will most likely go first. Once he passes I don’t think his family will even stay in touch. I would like to think they would because I have been a part of their lives at least for the last 20 years. But the reality is that their connection to me is strictly though Rick.

So if there is no family to remember me, what about friends? I have a few friends that would remember me today, but after I retire, those work friends will drift away. We have a saying here that 10 days after you are gone nobody will remember what you did. Everyone is replaceable.

My only hope is to start making a difference in people’s lives outside my family on a personal level. I will have a lot of time on my hands after I retire so this may be doable. Maybe I need to start now.

In recent years, family gathering for the holidays have shifted focus. My stepson has a new wife and a whole other family that lives in town with him. It seems spending time with him is more of an inconvenience and a duty to his father than a joy. Of course, Rick would disagree with me, but I see his disappointment when plans are changed that don’t include him anymore. I want to call my stepson and tell him what he has done to hurt his father, but that is not my place. They are adults and can work things out for themselves.

What do I want to be remembered for? Aah there is the rub, maybe there is no reason to remember me at all.

Maybe, I will start writing again. Maybe I can have an influence on people’s lives that way. If describing my experiences could comfort just one person that would be a win for me. If I could help change the perception of what a gay man is and how he lives his life that would be amazing.

My problem is I am a self-defeatist. I think of things to say and then I read someone else’s take on it and decide it has already been done. Who wants to hear from me? This blog is an effort to force myself to put my thoughts into words. I don’t want to be remember for writing a great post. I want to be remember for changing someone’s life. I want to make a difference.

Death and taxes

Posted in death, friends with tags on November 18, 2015 by jefferyrn

It was a strange morning that started with a message from a friend’s daughter. She needed help filing her mother’s taxes. After sending a few texts back and forth about what she needed to do, it hit me. MY FRIEND IS DEAD.


I told her daughter I still couldn’t believe her mom was gone. She said with holidays coming up she can hear her mother..not literally but in her mind puttering around and preparing for the festivities. 

I cried thinking of her as I drove along the Truckee river on my way to work.  Her family had spread some of her ashes on the water over the summer. Now with the recent rain and snow, they were finally moving on.

Peace my friend. You are sorely missed today and always.